Waiting For Tse-wa II

Whenever  the  chains of disturbing and tiresome emotion swarmed up in his mind like those busy passengers rushing at the metro station whom do he meet everyday on his way to the college,that lonely and pain-stricken heart , like a explosive bomb ,seemed to burst out,not in the least doubt, in a flash of second.

 his unconscious mind,however,comforted but advised him not to stick too much on a very stupid sort of negative emotion to run off ones hard earned life in the very river of illusion by projecting the reality of life in which people, with pretence and deceit,intented to cook their love .

In the middle of such mental dilemma, nothing did matter for something, in the most invisible manner, utterly occupied his mental horizon and brought forth the dark colored cloud of pain and sorrow which concealing a long narrative story  untold  till the date.

The stream of tear drops, now and then, have drenched the landscape of his colorless dream in the long span of  his lonely gloomy days, yet something that hanging at the very heart made him to forget everything but to recover his memory to remember someone ,with an inevitable force,whose image was evaporated already from his long cherished hope and expectation.

he, at the very moment,lit that soothe korean cigarette and inhaled a  lungful smoke, as a sort of  temporary pain-killer antidote,to bring certain satisfation out of relief.

Another end of a thought, another layer of consciousness, at the a very moment, could not cease to read out her mind of who could be the eternal and evergreen tree stemming in her light showered garden of heart.

Cause and effet relation,   he believed also, is the essence of Buddhism and nobody, to this very fact which laid down in Buddhist tradition, could say is a wrongly concluded philosophical idea but it did not necessarily means that fact remains as reality all the time for every tree, sometimes, would never gonna bear fruits no matter how much efforts has been made to plant and care of it.

She, out of question, is everything for him.  Nevertheless he is less than something to her inspite of  having hoped and dreamt for days and night with most sincere heart that has been broken into pieces and nothing nor remained  someone to fix it again.

Not even a single sight of hope emerged out of his long cherished thought ,has never allowed his mind to shut  up on nothing and never let his hand to rest on the paper .the pen filled with blood ink has been persuaded to speak the words of heart.

He could conclude and predict everything before any response might have got from her that she would merely see the words which pasted on the wall but never the tears have been shed on the keyboard. however  for a smooth transition of relation he clicked the mouse to send the message .

When the morning dawn break splendour touches my sight, i think of you.

When evening sunset glow showers my world, i think of you.

But beyond the sheilding wall of an absent-sense,

To reach out for a gentle light of fall moon, i never forgot, is a fruitless effort.

Days were accompanied by the joyless sorrow and nights were engrossed in sleepless tears, yet one day dies in silence and another new day emerges in certain swiftness. Today is the 1^st October I came to realise of how the time flies by. One solid month and ten days was passed. However it seems, for me, more than a year to face with. Many times did i try to message you but my fingers, i felt, trembling on the key pad of my cell. Many times did i try to call you but my heart, i sensed, throbbing wildly at my chest.  To remain as a dump, therefore,  is the only option gifted by  this damn stupid emotion of mine though i wish i can open my chest  to show of how much i desired to talk to you as before.

The hidden pain at heart pains me to death even i am alive these days but i am hoping that this pain will inject me a resistant energy to live on like a man.

in a nut shell, the straight,  openess, and always ready to expose ones true color -that worthy to be cherished nature of you i want ,mingle with as before. And that sweet smile consists the ingredients of unpolluted purity and tenderness i want to see always on your face in the upcoming days.

This inborn sense of my stupid love, i believe, will erode in the flood of time and nothing will remain at the river-bank of memory.

Lastly, you will not point me, I hope, an another spear of emotional rejection for bridging a relation of friend. 

Never had she sent a comfort sort of  reply to him in the folowing vacant days ,no matter how he,now and then,checked his mail box which exclusively reserved for her to fill something in. this act of silence, once again ,did signify of her indifference to someone’s solicititude which could he internalize through the days’ thoughts and dreams of nights.

Verily for a countless times did he cry in the very depth of his heart but not shed tears, for once, from the over-filled watery eyes of his.

Every day, every week and every month, as ever, seemed to be colorless for nothing is remaining there to be celebrated and no one is here beside him to unfold the secret of his heart. Whisky, therefore, has became the only company, to console him while the blood of pain shedding from the hidden soul.

Within the dizzy feeling of drunkeness, his friends sitting beside him, he could hear,were whispering in a murmering voice and laughing heartily.

“oh. my gosh /// verily  he was badly killed by that girl”said Tashi.

In return Gyatso added “within those long period, likely or unlikely, did he forget himself to miss her all the time with an unconditional condition. But sadly who would have understood of what has he sacrified all that he once had for, simply, her sweet smile on which he prefered to mount up the castle of his dream and expectation”

By listening their damn conversation, another cigarette ,holding between his fingers,turned into ashes.whisky and smoke already occupied the entire valley of his heart but something seemed to be amiss and empty at the very bottom,he felt,in  every seconds while having sipped the whisky.

Having held the bottle of whisky at chest, had he cried out like a little baby (but his friends used to call such act“puppy” in lieu of baby). The drunken peole’s words would not seriously be taken within the circle of his territory that he knew very well and his friends thus would not going to tease him of his childish behaviour next morning,though he,by then,was not within the reach to control his dead-living body.

At that very moment, the lonely drunken but an alert mind ,out of blue,was stroke by a philosophical thoughts .

It is not everybody’s cup of tea to feel the pain of others even if everyone has some experience,may be at different level,the sour taste of pain at very core which blocking the beat of heart momentarily while nothing televise something.

Finally he decide to kill himself before he was being killed instead.with that sense, everything seemed to be ceased in silence while he was holding the wineglass at his lips.a kind of bliss, slowly and silently,has touched his being for he suddenly accomplished his mission by having taken suicide.but he,being a man,confessed the truth that he did not make the choice as a matter of top priority but rather a last resort.

Note: this piece of article I wrote long time back but lost in between for I didn’t remember where I have kept it.  I ,fortunately,found it again some days before  among a pile of notes while cleansing  my dirty room.

TO BE CONTINUED....................

*This piece is specially dedicate to tsering choden who, currently, lives in France. And I wanna thanks her  for being a regular reader of my articles.

*sorry for the grammatical errors and inexperienced expression in english.